Parenting a teenager is one of the most rewarding yet challenging experiences for any parent. For some families, the challenges become overwhelming when a teen consistently throws tantrums or exhibits violent behaviour. These behaviours not only affect the teen but also ripple out to impact the parents, siblings, and even the entire family dynamic. The stress, confusion, and emotional toll can leave parents feeling isolated and helpless. However, there are research-based strategies that can help manage and reduce these behaviours, promoting healthier family relationships. In this blog, we will explore the effects of violent behaviour on families I have seen in my practice and discuss strategies drawing from Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), Family Systems Therapy (FST), Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and safety planning for families dealing with dangerous behavior.
The Impact of Violent Behaviour on Families
Effects on Parents
As I said, parenting a violent teen can lead to significant stress and emotional toll on parents. Research from the Journal of Family Psychology suggests that parents of teens with what might be called “conduct problems” often experience elevated levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. The emotional and physical safety concerns that come with dealing with aggressive behaviour can cause parents to feel helpless, guilty, and out of control. These feelings can erode parents’ self-esteem and make them question their parenting skills.
Parents also experience relational strain, not only in how they parent but also in their relationship with each other. According to research by The American Academy of Pediatrics, couples facing the challenge of parenting a child with behaviour problems are at a higher risk for marital conflict and even divorce. Disagreements on how to handle violent behaviour, inconsistent discipline strategies, or unmet emotional needs often exacerbate the situation.
Effects on Marriages
When a teen’s behaviour is violent, parents may become preoccupied with the child’s behaviour, which can lead to neglect of the marital relationship and their own mental health. One study by Psychiatry Research found that high levels of parental stress and discord related to children’s behavioural issues significantly decrease marital satisfaction. Partners may feel emotionally drained and unsupported, especially if they do not agree on the best course of action for managing the teen’s outbursts. Communication can break down, and emotional distance may begin to form, leaving both partners feeling isolated.
Effects on Siblings
Siblings of teens who exhibit violent outbursts are often caught in the middle, which can lead to a variety of emotional and behavioural problems of their own. Younger children may feel scared, confused, or even angry, as the atmosphere in the home becomes unpredictable. Research from The Journal of Child and Family Studies shows that siblings of children with conduct issues may experience anxiety, depression, and feelings of neglect, particularly when parents are consumed by the violent behaviour of the teenager. They may also internalize feelings of shame or guilt, thinking they are responsible for their sibling’s actions. In speaking to clients who come to me as adults, they may also have internalized messaging that says “I better not cause any more trouble”. These “kids” may take on that burden, learning to suppress their own feelings and needs for fear of upsetting their parents or the household further.
Understanding the Causes of Violent Behaviour in Teens
Before delving into solutions, it is essential to understand why a teen might engage in tantrums or violent behaviour. There are several potential contributing factors:
- Brain Development: Adolescence is a time of rapid brain development, particularly in areas associated with emotional regulation and decision-making. As a result, many teens experience intense emotional reactions and struggle to control their impulses.
- Mental Health Issues: Conditions such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, conduct disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can lead to emotional dysregulation and aggression. If left unaddressed, these issues can contribute to violent behavior.
- Family Dynamics: Dysfunctional family dynamics, including poor communication, inconsistent discipline, or parental conflict, can exacerbate a teen’s behavioural problems. If a teen feels emotionally unsupported or misunderstood, they may act out violently to express frustration. Parents may be modelling the behaviour they do not wish to experience with their children.
- Substance Abuse: Substance use can significantly impact a teen’s ability to regulate their emotions and behaviour, leading to impulsive or violent outbursts.
Safety Planning and Warning Signs
Safety planning is crucial when dealing with a teen who becomes violent. Parents must recognize warning signs of escalating aggression, such as changes in mood, withdrawal, irritability, or verbal threats. It’s important to have a strategy in place for de-escalating situations and ensuring the safety of all family members. This can include:
- Setting clear boundaries for acceptable behaviour.
- Knowing when to walk away and remove yourself from a dangerous situation.
- Having an emergency contact or therapist readily available in case things escalate.
- In some cases, involving law enforcement if the safety of the family is at risk.
Safety planning also includes seeking professional help when necessary. If a teen’s behaviour becomes violent or if parents feel unsafe, it is essential to consult a mental health professional for support and guidance.
Therapeutic Approaches and Strategies
Several therapeutic frameworks can help manage and reduce violent behaviours in teens. Here’s a look at some evidence-based approaches:
1. Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT)
Emotionally Focused Family Therapy helps families build stronger emotional connections by addressing the root causes of disruptive behaviour and problematic parenting patterns. EFFT focuses on improving emotional safety, helping families create a secure environment where teens feel understood and validated. By fostering attachment and emotional regulation, EFFT may help reduce aggression, resistance, and frustration, and increase cooperation. The EFFT approach believes it is best to treat both parents and kids, but if you can only treat one half, better to treat the parents over the kids, even though parents often believe it is only the child who needs treatment – in the hopes of ‘fixing’ the problematic behaviour.
2. Family Systems Therapy (FST)
Family Systems Therapy views the family as an interconnected system, where each member’s behaviour influences the others. FST can help identify unhealthy patterns within the family that may contribute to a teen’s behaviour. The goal is to break negative cycles of interaction, improve communication, and restore balance within the family unit. This therapy helps parents set clear boundaries and model positive behaviour for their children.
3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns that contribute to emotional dysregulation and aggression. By helping teens recognize how their thoughts influence their behaviour, CBT empowers them with tools to manage frustration and impulsivity. This approach also emphasizes developing healthier coping strategies to handle conflict.
4. Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Internal Family Systems therapy helps teens understand the different “parts” of themselves that may contribute to violent behaviour and can help parents recognize “parts” of them – perhaps driven by guilt, shame or fear — that drive their part of the interactions with their teens. By recognizing these parts and fostering self-compassion, family members can work toward resolving emotional conflicts and building healthier responses to stress.
Addressing Parental Conflict and Modelling Behaviour
Parental conflict is a significant contributor to a teen’s emotional distress. When parents model poor communication or inconsistent discipline, it sends mixed messages to the teen. By engaging in therapy together, parents can learn better ways to communicate, set consistent boundaries, and model appropriate emotional responses. Couples therapy can be a crucial step in improving marital harmony and parenting consistency. This of course becomes far more difficult when parents are separating or divorcing.
Rewards, Punishment, and Consequences
While punishment can sometimes be necessary, research suggests that positive reinforcement and rewards are more effective in promoting long-term behaviour change. Rewarding positive behaviour helps reinforce desired outcomes and builds the teen’s self-esteem. When consequences are necessary, they should be consistent, fair, and aligned with the behaviour (like removing technology when the behaviour is not related to technology), rather than punitive or retaliatory.
Shame and Parental Guilt
Parents of teens who demonstrate violent behaviour often deal with significant shame and guilt about their parenting. They may feel judged by others or worry that their child’s behaviour reflects their failures. It’s important for parents to remember that seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness but a proactive approach to improving family dynamics. Therapeutic support for parents can help them manage feelings of shame and guilt, ultimately allowing them to be more effective and compassionate in their parenting.
When to Seek Professional Help
If a teen’s behaviour becomes dangerous, persistent, or unmanageable, it is crucial to seek professional help. Therapy can offer support in managing violent behaviours and improving family dynamics. Therapists maintain confidentiality, creating a safe space for parents to discuss their challenges without fear of judgment. Family counselling provides tools and strategies for healing and restoration.
Conclusion
Parenting a teen who experiences chronic violent outbursts can be overwhelming, but it is possible to manage these behaviours with the right support and strategies. Research-based therapies like Emotionally Focused Family Therapy, Family Systems Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and Internal Family Systems may offer effective tools for addressing the root causes of violent behaviour and strengthening family bonds. Safety planning, understanding warning signs, and improving parental communication are essential components of managing difficult behaviours. Most importantly, parents should not be afraid to seek professional help to ensure the well-being of the entire family.
