When it comes to relationships, there’s a delicate line between healthy love and codependency—and so often, codependency can seem quite loving. It is however, an important distinction that shapes the dynamics of a partnership. In the world of couples therapy, understanding the difference between these two concepts can be transformative. Research in Attachment Theory, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT), Trauma-Informed Therapy, and insights from experts like John Gottman, Esther Perel, and Terrence Real all contribute to this essential distinction.
In this blog, we’ll explore the fundamental differences between healthy love and codependency, weaving together research from attachment science, therapeutic frameworks, and personal anecdotes to illustrate how couples can grow and thrive by creating healthier, more balanced relationships.
What is Healthy Love?
Healthy love is characterized by mutual respect, trust, emotional connection, and personal autonomy. It is interdependent. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel valued and are able to pursue their own passions and personal growth while remaining deeply connected to one another.
From the perspective of Attachment Theory, healthy love emerges when both partners have secure attachments. This means they can depend on each other without feeling overwhelmed or overly dependent. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, builds on this by emphasizing emotional responsiveness. In a healthy relationship, both partners tune into each other’s emotional needs, creating a safe, responsive bond that fosters connection, intimacy, and trust.
According to John Gottman, healthy love is also about managing conflict effectively and maintaining a balance of positive to negative interactions. Gottman’s research suggests that successful couples have a “5:1 ratio” of positive interactions to negative ones. Healthy love thrives when partners feel emotionally supported, appreciated, and heard.
Esther Perel often speaks about the delicate balance between intimacy and autonomy. She emphasizes that desire and connection can flourish when both partners allow for space to be themselves within the relationship. Healthy love doesn’t mean giving up your identity for your partner; instead, it’s about honouring individuality while creating deep emotional bonds.
In the context of Internal Family Systems (IFS), healthy love can be seen as a dynamic where each partner is able to access and support the “Self”—the core of who they are—while navigating the various “parts” or sub-personalities that may emerge in response to past trauma or relational dynamics. Partners who engage in IFS work can acknowledge their inner “parts,” such as the vulnerable child or the protective critic, and allow their true selves to connect with their partner from a place of clarity and openness.
What is Codependency?
On the opposite end of the spectrum, codependency refers to a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one partner is excessively dependent on the other, often to the point of neglecting their own needs. This can manifest in a variety of ways, including emotional caretaking, self-sacrifice, and chronic people-pleasing behaviours. The codependent partner may feel responsible for their partner’s emotions or well-being and may lose sight of their own individuality and self-worth in the process.
In Attachment Theory, codependency is often linked to insecure attachment styles, especially anxious attachment. Anxiously attached individuals may become overly reliant on their partners for validation, leading to an unhealthy dynamic where one partner’s needs are consistently prioritized over the other’s. This can result in resentment, emotional burnout, and a lack of authentic emotional connection.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) also addresses how codependent behaviours can develop when one partner feels a constant need for reassurance and emotional support, often at the expense of healthy, balanced communication. EFT focuses on helping couples break free from these patterns by identifying and reshaping the attachment dynamics that keep partners locked in negative cycles of dependence.
In IFS, codependency may arise when individuals are unable to differentiate between their internal parts—particularly the parts that are reactive or wounded—and their authentic self. In relationships, these parts can drive unhealthy behaviours, such as caretaking or enabling, that keep the system out of balance. By working through these internal dynamics, individuals can gain more control over their responses and create healthier relational patterns.
Terrence Real, a pioneer in relational therapy, has explored the impact of power imbalances in couples, which often manifest in codependent relationships. He emphasizes that codependency is a form of “relational narcissism”, where one partner becomes enmeshed in the other’s life at the expense of their own needs. Real’s approach encourages partners to reestablish healthy boundaries and reclaim their autonomy. He argues that true intimacy can only exist when both individuals are able to stand firmly as equals in the relationship, rather than relying on each other for constant validation or support.
Healthy Love vs. Codependency: Key Differences
-
Independence vs. Enmeshment
- In healthy love, partners maintain their individuality. They are secure enough to support each other emotionally while allowing space for personal growth. This independence fosters a sense of interdependence, where both partners are able to lean on each other when needed, but are not overly reliant.
- Codependency thrives on enmeshment. Partners lose sight of who they are as individuals, and one person may assume the role of caretaker, sacrificing their own needs and desires to keep the relationship afloat. Boundaries in this case, are diffuse. It may be hard to see where you end and someone else begins. Over the long term, this can create anger and resentment.
-
Self-Worth and Validation
- In healthy love, each partner can derive self-worth from within, without relying solely on their partner for validation. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and emotional support, where both individuals feel valued as separate, whole people.
- In codependent relationships, self-worth is often tied to the approval or emotional state of the other person. The codependent partner may feel lost without the relationship or continually seeks reassurance, losing their sense of self in the process. This fear can cause partners to avoid thinking about or asking for what they need which again, can cause resentment over time, and cause an imbalance in the relationship.
-
Conflict Resolution
- Healthy couples for the most part, engage in conflict in a respectful and constructive way (which does not mean no conflict!). They seek to understand each other’s needs and feelings, and are able to work through disagreements with empathy and patience.
- Codependent couples may avoid conflict or engage in manipulative behaviour to avoid confrontation. One partner may suppress their feelings or fail to express themselves authentically in order to keep the peace, which can lead to resentment.
-
Emotional Regulation
- In healthy love, both partners are emotionally regulated and can rely on each other for comfort and support, but they also manage their emotional states independently. They create a safe emotional environment where both individuals can share their vulnerabilities without fear of judgment — or at least feel safe to work through or clear up misunderstandings.
- Codependency often involves emotional dysregulation. One partner may excessively rely on the other for emotional stability, leading to a cycle of emotional chaos and dependency.
-
Autonomy and Personal Growth
- Healthy love allows each partner to explore their own interests and passions, encouraging personal growth and development. The relationship becomes a source of support rather than a restriction on individual aspirations.
- Codependency may limit autonomy, as one partner may feel responsible for the other’s happiness or feel guilty for pursuing personal goals outside the relationship. This can lead to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction.
Consider the story of Lena and Michael (not their real names) a couple who came to therapy after years of struggling with unhealthy dynamics. Lena had spent most of their relationship trying to fix Michael’s problems and emotionally “parenting” him. She felt overwhelmed and disconnected but didn’t know how to break free from the cycle. Michael, on the other hand, felt like he could never measure up to Lena’s expectations and had learned to withdraw whenever things got tough.
Through therapy, they began to explore their attachment styles and the codependent patterns that had developed over time. With the help of EFT and IFS, Lena learned to assert her needs without taking on Michael’s emotional burdens. Michael, in turn, learned to take responsibility for his emotional state and no longer relied on Lena for constant reassurance. Over time, they created a more balanced relationship, where both partners felt valued and could thrive both individually and together.
Conclusion
The difference between healthy love and codependency is profound. While healthy love fosters interdependence, respect, and emotional autonomy, codependency thrives on enmeshment, self-sacrifice, and an imbalance of power. By incorporating therapeutic frameworks like EFT, IFS, and Attachment Theory, and integrating insights from experts like John Gottman, Esther Perel, and Terrence Real, couples can learn to navigate these dynamics and create stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
If you recognize signs of codependency in your relationship, remember that change is possible. With the right tools and support, you can shift from a cycle of dependence to a dynamic of healthy love where both partners thrive. Does this feel familiar? If so, reach out to a therapist who specializes in these sorts of relational dynamics.
