Co-parenting at the best of times after separation or divorce can be tricky. Kids now have two homes, two or more sets of parents, two or more sets of rules and expectations, along with all of their own developmental issues and temperaments that have nothing to do with parents. However, if you add in a high conflict divorce, co-parenting in a blended family can feel like navigating a minefield. Tensions are high, emotions and wounds run deep, and communication can be fraught with challenges. However, one of the keys to successful co-parenting lies in prioritizing your child’s well-being, while establishing effective strategies to manage interactions with your co-parent or co-parents. If that includes a stepparent and a newer marriage or relationship, that also means finding ways to stay connected outside of just parenting. Here are some examples and steps that may help create a more stable and cooperative environment for your children. However, a family therapist or couples therapist can help guide you through steps such as these, and help you process the difficult emotions that may be barriers to doing the work. Please remember, these are some suggestions and different situations call for different strategies and adaptations.
1. Prioritize Communication
Clear, neutral, and structured communication is the backbone of effective co-parenting. High-conflict situations often escalate due to miscommunication or emotional responses. To minimize conflict:
• Use Co-Parenting Apps: While I have not used these myself, apps like OurFamilyWizard, Talking Parents, or 2Houses help keep conversations documented and professional.
• Stick to Written Communication: Keep emails and messages neutral and fact-based. Avoid emotionally charged language. BIFF (brief, informative, friendly and formal) can be helpful.
• Set Response Deadlines: If a decision is time-sensitive, state a clear deadline for a response. If no response is received, proceed with the necessary action in your child’s best interest.
Consider an example where one parent was frustrated with their ex’s habit of stonewalling and ignoring emails. By setting clear deadlines and using a co-parenting app for accountability, they reduced stress and ensured (more often) decisions were made on time.
2. Establish Consistent Routines
Children thrive on consistency, and predictable routines help them feel secure. When co-parents have different rules and structures, it can be confusing for children. To maintain stability:
• Align on major routines like bedtime, homework schedules, and meal times, if possible.
• If agreement isn’t possible, focus on consistency in your own home so your child knows they have a safe and predictable space.
• Let go of what you can’t control. If your co-parent doesn’t follow the same rules, avoid unnecessary conflict and reassure your child that different homes have different rules.
Consider this example: A father struggled because his ex allowed excessive screen time. Instead of engaging in endless arguments, he focused on creating screen-free bonding moments in his own home. Over time, his child appreciated both environments for what they offered.
3. Respect Each Other’s Parenting Styles
It’s unrealistic to expect your ex to parent exactly as you do. While disagreements will arise, showing respect for each other’s approaches fosters a healthier environment for your child.
• Work on finding common ground on major issues like education, health, and discipline.
• Avoid badmouthing the other parent—your child may internalize these criticisms.
• Explain differences in a neutral way: “Mom does things one way, and Dad does things another way. Both of us love you.”
Consider where one parent wants a strict bedtime, while the other is more lenient. Instead of constant disputes, they compromised by maintaining an early bedtime on school nights while allowing more flexibility on weekends.
4. Focus on the Children’s Best Interests
When emotions run high, it’s easy to let personal grievances cloud judgment. Always ask: “Is this decision in my child’s best interest, or am I reacting to my ex?”
• Avoid using children as messengers or intermediaries.
• Compromise when needed but seek outside support (coaches, therapists) if compromises are difficult.
• If your co-parent refuses to cooperate, don’t engage in the battle—focus on what you can control.
A real-life takeaway: A mother struggled when her ex consistently undermined her parenting choices. By focusing on her child’s needs rather than her frustration, she modelled resilience and emotional intelligence.
5. Be Flexible and Adaptable
Life happens—schedules change, emergencies arise, and flexibility is key. High-conflict co-parents often see compromise as a loss, but adaptability ultimately benefits the child.
• If an event requires a schedule shift, approach it with cooperation rather than resistance.
• Be mindful of how you’d want to be treated in a similar situation.
• Encourage your child to enjoy time with both parents without guilt.
Example: A father initially resisted swapping weekends for his ex’s family reunion. After stepping back and considering the child’s experience, he agreed to the change and was pleasantly surprised when the favour was later returned.
6. Set Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are essential in high-conflict co-parenting. Without them, resentment and frustration can spiral.
• Define communication methods (e.g., only email or app-based communication).
• Avoid unnecessary personal interactions—keep discussions child-focused.
• Enforce consequences for disrespectful behaviour by maintaining distance when necessary.
Here is an example: One parent was constantly bombarded with texts from their ex. By implementing a “no texting, only email” rule, they reduced stress and maintained a more controlled communication channel.
7. Encourage Open Dialogue with Your Children
Children in high-conflict divorces often struggle with expressing emotions. Providing them with a safe space to share their thoughts is crucial.
• Validate their feelings without trying to “fix” everything.
• Reassure them that they are loved and safe, regardless of conflicts.
• If they express distress about the other home, listen empathetically without criticizing your ex.
Here is an example: A child told their mother, “Dad doesn’t listen to me.” Instead of reacting, she said, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Have you told him how you feel?” This empowered the child to advocate for themselves. Of course this can’t work in every situation.
8. Attend Co-Parenting Coaching if Needed
Professional support can be a game-changer. Co-parenting coaches or therapy sessions can help navigate challenges more effectively.
• Workshops and online courses offer practical tools for managing conflict.
• A neutral third party can de-escalate emotionally charged issues.
• Personal growth leads to better parenting, regardless of your ex’s behaviour.
9. Celebrate Each Other’s Parenting Successes
Acknowledging positive aspects of your co-parent’s role can shift the dynamic. Even if full cooperation isn’t possible, neutrality is better than hostility.
• If possible, express gratitude for their parenting efforts.
• If praise feels impossible, at least avoid negativity in front of your child.
• Children internalize how their parents treat each other—model respect.
Consider this case: A father who resented his ex initially refused to acknowledge her role. Over time, he started small—thanking her for attending their child’s recital. This small shift improved their overall interactions.
10. Practice Self-Care
High-conflict co-parenting is emotionally draining. Taking care of yourself and your relationship with a new partner is essential.
• Prioritize your well-being through exercise, rest, and healthy eating.
• Seek therapy or support groups for emotional resilience.
• Maintain a strong personal identity outside of co-parenting stressors.
Insight through this example: A parent once felt consumed by co-parenting battles. By focusing on self-care— journaling, therapy, meditation, exercise, and social support—they found greater emotional balance, which improved their parenting.
Final Thoughts
Co-parenting in a high-conflict divorce isn’t easy, but by implementing these strategies, you can create a more stable and loving environment for your child. Small changes can lead to significant improvements over time. Prioritize what you can control, seek support when needed, and always keep your child’s best interests at heart.
Need help? Feel free to reach out.
