While the holiday season may have brought much joy to many families, it can also be quite stressful and challenging for many — especially those dealing with the pressures of blended families. Over past holiday seasons, I have worked with many clients navigate distress as they try to cope with this kind of stress. Co-parenting generally can be stressful. Add in a divorce or separation, and then step-family relations more broadly (this may also include and extend to adult children).
Blended families are increasingly common in today’s world, as more individuals remarry and bring children from previous relationships into new family dynamics. While blended families have the potential to offer emotional fulfillment and support, they also come with their own unique set of challenges. From differing parenting styles and loyalty binds, to navigating relationships with ex-spouses, step-parents, and children. Co-parenting in a blended family requires patience, effective communication, empathy and compassion, insight, and a willingness to set boundaries. It also requires a recognition that children have different needs developmentally, depending on their age and stage, and different emotions and temperaments.
In this blog, I explore the various challenges faced by couples in blended families, including different parenting styles, loyalty issues from children, the role of guilt among parents, and how attachment styles, expectations, and boundaries impact co-parenting. I draw from stepfamily research, family systems theory, Gottman’s principles, IFS, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT). I will provide practical advice to help blended families co-parent with more success.
Understanding the Challenges of Co-Parenting in Blended Families
1. Different Parenting Styles
One of the biggest challenges in blended families is aligning different parenting styles. Keep in mind, these differing styles often present problems for co-parents as well, and can lead to frustration, resentment, conflict, and can erode closeness and intimacy. However, with blended families, there may be additional grief, guilt and a lower tolerance for conflict than when trying to parent with your child’s other parent. These styles are influenced by each parent’s upbringing, beliefs, and prior experiences. Common parenting styles that may be in conflict with each other include:
- Permissive and Jellyfish Parenting: Permissive parents are often characterized as indulgent and lenient, often avoiding discipline. Jellyfish parents, similarly, are conflict-averse and struggle to set clear boundaries. These parents may be trying to avoid upsetting children, especially when trying to balance loyalty issues between biological parents and stepparents. There may be attachment wounds here that parents want or need to address in themselves.
- Helicopter and Snowplow Parenting: Helicopter parents are characterized as hovering over their children, over-managing their lives. Snowplow parents are overly protective, attempting to remove all obstacles for their children. These styles may emerge in blended families as parents try to mitigate any potential conflict or discomfort children might experience due to the new family dynamic. Again, there may be attachment wounds here that parents want or need to address in themselves.
- Anxious Parenting: Parents who have an anxious attachment style may struggle with insecurity and fear of rejection. In blended families, anxious parents might overcompensate by being overly involved, which can lead to emotional burnout, and resentment and create confusion for children trying to navigate their relationships with stepparents.
- Authoritarian Parenting: Authoritarian parents tend to be strict, value obedience, and enforce rules rigidly – seen as less democratic in their parenting. This parenting style can be common among stepparents who feel the need to assert control in their new family unit, often leading to conflicts with children who are not used to such strict rules or who feel they can challenge the step parent’s authority. This may be influenced as well by the age of the child. This style of parenting tends to be less open to emotionally intimate conversations.
- Authoritative Parenting: Considered the most balanced approach, authoritative parents combine firm discipline with warmth and support. This style tends to foster emotional security and respect in children, making it ideal for blended families. It can provide a sense of consistency while addressing children’s emotional needs.
- Dolphin Parenting: A more recent concept, dolphin parenting emphasizes emotional intelligence, connection, and cooperation. It encourages open communication and empathy, which is helpful when navigating the emotional complexities of a blended family. Dolphin parenting and authoritative parenting tend to have more similarities and work well together.
- Uninvolved Parenting: Uninvolved parents are disengaged and lack interest in their children’s emotional or physical needs. In blended families, this can create feelings of neglect or emotional abandonment. These parents may have an avoidant attachment style.
As previously stated, when these differing styles clash, it can create confusion for children and tension between partners. Effective communication and compromise are essential for resolving these conflicts and developing a unified approach to co-parenting.
2. Loyalty Binds
Loyalty binds occur when children feel torn between their biological parents and their stepparents. Children in blended families often experience divided loyalty, which can lead to emotional turmoil. For example, a child may feel that showing affection toward a stepparent could betray their biological parent. This can be worse in high conflict separations, where parents overshare information with their children, or work to alienate their child from the other parent or partner. When a child is parentified, in other words, they are placed in more of an adult role with too much emotional or material responsibility. Both parentification and parental alienation cause additional stress on everyone — including blended families.
Research on stepfamilies suggests that loyalty binds may be alleviated through open communication. Children need to feel that their love for one parent does not diminish their love for another. Partners should also support each other in addressing these emotional challenges and make sure children feel heard and understood and are not placed in roles where they are responsible for the parents’ emotional and physical wellbeing.
3. The Role of Guilt Among Parents
Many parents in blended families grapple with parental guilt. Biological parents may feel guilty for not being able to provide a traditional family structure for their children, while stepparents may feel guilt or shame for not being able to fully fulfill the role of a biological parent. Shame, grief, and loss can also play a part if one partner is without their own children. These feelings can lead to inconsistent discipline and, in some cases, overcompensation, where a parent might indulge a child in order to make up for perceived shortcomings.
Gottman’s research on relationships highlights that couples who discuss and validate each other’s emotions are more likely to navigate challenges effectively. In blended families, addressing guilt through conversations and emotional support can help parents establish more balanced and effective co-parenting strategies. Validating the children’s emotions is also extremely important during this time so that they feel heard, understood, and respected.
4. Attachment Styles and Stepparent/Parent Expectations
Attachment theory suggests that individuals develop attachment styles based on early childhood experiences. These attachment styles can affect how people behave in relationships, including within blended families. For instance, parents with anxious attachment may struggle with insecurity or fears of abandonment or unworthiness, leading them to overcompensate or become overly controlling in their relationships with their children or stepchildren (and also with their spouses). Attachment theory also suggests that children who have developed secure attachments to their biological parents may struggle to attach to stepparents, especially if they are dealing with unresolved feelings about their parents’ divorce.
In blended families, stepparents may also struggle with unrealistic or unfair expectations. Some stepparents feel a strong desire to take on or take over the role of the biological parent and parenting responsibilities, but this can lead to tension and friction if they impose their authority too early (and perhaps worse when enabled by the parent) without allowing the parent-child bond to evolve naturally, and without understanding that children may not be ready or willing to accept a new authority figure.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model can help stepparents and biological parents navigate their internal emotions and expectations. This approach helps individuals understand their internal “parts” (such as feelings of inadequacy or fear of rejection) and promotes healthier family dynamics by addressing internal conflicts. The EFFT model, which is compatible and complimentary to IFS, views problems often ascribed to the children (think: badly behaved, defiant, etc), and which may upset stepparents and parents, as a result of problematic parenting problems — that can be addressed with therapy to address a skills deficit and ways of thinking.
5. Relationships with Ex-Spouses and the Nature of Divorce
The relationships between ex-spouses can significantly influence how couples in blended families co-parent. In some cases, unresolved conflicts from the divorce may affect the ability of former partners to work together cooperatively. Stepparents may also face tension if the biological parent’s relationship with their ex-spouse remains contentious or unresolved.
Understanding the nature of the divorce and maintaining clear boundaries with ex-spouses is essential for successful co-parenting. This can include keeping communication respectful and minimizing conflicts in front of the children. Therapists skilled in divorce can help reduce conflict and improve communication where possible.
6. Gendered Differences in Co-Parenting
Gendered expectations can also play a role in co-parenting in blended families. Women are often expected to be the primary nurturers, while men are expected to be the disciplinarians. These traditional roles can lead to frustration and miscommunication if one partner feels their role is being ignored or undermined.
Family Systems Theory emphasizes that family dynamics must be understood as interconnected systems. In blended families, the roles of each member affect the others. By discussing and addressing gendered roles, couples can create a more balanced and equitable co-parenting dynamic.
7. Boundaries and Communication
Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for blended families. Boundaries help each family member understand their role and expectations. Stepparents, in particular, may struggle with boundary-setting, especially when they feel a desire to “take over” parenting responsibilities. Communication is key to defining roles and creating a sense of structure within the family.
Case Study: Navigating Blended Family Co-Parenting
Meet Sarah and John. Both are remarried and each has two children from their previous marriages. Sarah’s children, Emma and Noah, have a difficult relationship with John, especially Emma, who feels torn between her biological father and John. Meanwhile, John’s children, Lucas and Lily, are still adjusting to the idea of having a new stepparent.
Sarah and John both have different parenting styles—Sarah is more permissive, while John tends toward an authoritarian approach. Sarah often feels guilty for not being able to provide a traditional family structure for her children, while John struggles with feeling like an outsider. Emma, feeling torn, refuses to bond with John, leading to tension in the household.
After attending therapy based on Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), Sarah and John learn how to communicate more openly about their emotions and address the underlying attachment issues. With the help of the therapist, they begin to align their parenting styles and set clearer boundaries around discipline and expectations. Emma’s feelings of loyalty to her father are acknowledged, and John gradually builds a relationship with her without imposing authority too soon.
Risks of Not Addressing Co-Parenting Issues
Ignoring the challenges of co-parenting in blended families can lead to long-term emotional damage for both children and parents. Children may develop behavioural problems, emotional distress, or feelings of isolation. Parents may experience increased marital strain, resentment, and guilt, leading to ineffective co-parenting strategies. Without addressing these issues, the family dynamic may become dysfunctional, with fractured relationships and poor communication affecting everyone. Therapy can help normalize the range of human emotions we may be experiencing, and help teach new skills to interrupt our own behaviours that might be contributing to some of the problems — however well meaning we are.
Conclusion
Co-parenting in blended families is complex but more achievable with the right strategies. By understanding different parenting styles, addressing loyalty binds, acknowledging guilt, shame, grief, fear, anxiety, setting healthy boundaries, and embracing open communication, couples can navigate the challenges of blended family life successfully. Couples can draw from Gottman’s principles, EFFT, and family systems theory to create a harmonious family environment. If you’re struggling with co-parenting in a blended family, seeking guidance from a couples therapist or psychotherapist can help you overcome these challenges and build stronger, healthier relationships.
