Grief is a complex emotion that can affect people of all ages, including children and adolescents. While adults may have more experience coping with loss, children and teens often struggle to understand and express their feelings. I have witnessed this in my clients, and my own children’s different responses in grief — whether it involves the loss of family, friends or a life they missed during the COVID lockdown for instance. As a parent and a therapist who supports parents of grieving children, I understand how painful and difficult it can be for parents to see their children grieving. It can also be confusing and frustrating as you try to support them. Seeing our children in pain (or seeing them hide pain under behaviours we don’t understand) is something that parents understandably have difficulty tolerating. This blog post will explore how grief manifests in young people, provide strategies for supporting them, and offer guidance for parents and caregivers.
Understanding Grief in Children and Adolescents
Grief can manifest differently in children and adolescents than in adults. The Child Mind Institute writes “After losing a loved one, a child may go from crying one minute to playing the next. Their changeable moods don’t mean they’re not sad or that they’ve finished grieving; children cope differently than adults, and playing can be a defense mechanism to prevent a child from becoming overwhelmed. It’s also normal to feel depressed, guilty, anxious, or angry at the person who has died, or at someone else entirely”.
Common signs of grief in young people include but are not limited to:
- Emotional Responses: Sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and anxiety.
- Behavioural Changes: Difficulty concentrating, changes in appetite, sleep disturbances, and withdrawal from social activities.
- Physical Symptoms: Headaches, stomachaches, and other physical complaints.
How to Support Grieving Children and Adolescents
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Be Present and Available:
- Spend quality time with your child, offering comfort and reassurance.
- Be patient and understanding, allowing them to express their feelings in their own way.
- Avoid dismissing their feelings or telling them to “be strong” or encourage them to “move on or move forward”. Instead offer words of validation and empathy. Grief has no single timeline and if the loss is particularly traumatic, it can take some time to recover.
- Go to a funeral if possible.
- Help them find ways to commemorate the loss if desired by the child.
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Open and Honest Communication:
- Use age-appropriate language to explain the loss and answer questions honestly.
- Encourage open communication and create a safe space for your child to share their thoughts and feelings.
- Avoid using euphemisms or sugarcoating the situation.
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Normalize Grief:
- Let your child know that grief is a normal and natural response to loss.
- Reassure them that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused.
- Take care of your own grief so we are not adding an extra weight to them.
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Create a Routine:
- Maintain a consistent routine to provide a sense of stability and security.
- Establish a regular bedtime and mealtime schedule.
- Encourage participation in activities that your child enjoys.
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Seek Professional Help:
- If your child is struggling to cope with grief – perhaps becoming withdrawn, self harming, lashing out, or regressing in certain ways, consider seeking professional help from a child therapist or other counsellor.
- A psychotherapist can provide specialized support and guidance.
- Try to broaden their circle of support if it looks like they need it.
- Check in with your child.
Do’s and Don’ts for Supporting Grieving Children and Adolescents
Do:
- Listen actively: Pay attention to your child’s words and nonverbal cues.
- Validate their feelings: Acknowledge and validate their emotions.
- Be patient and understanding: Allow them to grieve at their own pace.
- Encourage self-expression: Encourage them to express their feelings through art, music, writing, or other creative outlets.
- Spend quality time together: Create opportunities for bonding and shared experiences.
Don’t:
- Avoid the topic: Talk openly about the loss and answer your child’s questions honestly.
- Minimize their feelings: Avoid saying things like, “You shouldn’t feel sad.”
- Make promises you can’t keep: Avoid making promises that you may not be able to fulfill.
- Force them to “move on”: Allow them to grieve at their own pace.
Remember, grief is a unique experience for each individual and that children and teens may grieve differently than adults. It’s important to be patient, compassionate, and supportive as your child navigates this challenging time. By providing love, understanding, and professional help when needed, you can help your child heal and find hope for the future.
