In my practice, I work with a number of adolescents but also a number of parents of adolescents or emerging adults. I know from personal and professional experience, that as your child transitions into adolescence, the dynamics of your relationship will likely shift. They will likely pull away more, want more time to explore with peers, experiment in ways that scare us, become exposed to ideas we may not like. Some of this is healthy individuation — as they find their way. But it’s crucial during this time to at least try to maintain a strong foundation of trust. Building and maintaining trust with your teenager can foster open communication, support their emotional well-being, and strengthen your bond — especially when they come out the other side. It’s also important to remember that kids learn most by what is modelled for them.
Understanding the Importance of Trust:
Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. When teenagers feel trusted and supported by their parents, they are more likely to:
- Open up about their thoughts and feelings: A trusting relationship creates a safe space for open communication.
- Seek guidance and advice: Teenagers are more likely to turn to trusted parents for support.
- Make healthy decisions: Trust can influence teenagers’ choices and behaviours.
- Develop strong self-esteem: Feeling trusted and valued can boost a teenager’s self-confidence.
Building Trust Through Active Listening:
- Show genuine interest: Demonstrate that you care about your teenager’s thoughts and feelings. This can be hard with teens and kids that respond with one word answers or want more privacy. Be aware of this change in them or just their temperament in this regard and be respectful of the answers that might not seem as forthcoming or engaged as you might like.
- Maintain eye contact: This shows that you are engaged and attentive (not always easy with some teenagers and that is OK too).
- Avoid interrupting: Let your teenager finish speaking before responding and ask that they do the same. Tempers can flare more quickly at this time but try to notice if your teen is shutting down.
- Reflect back: Paraphrase what your teenager has said to show that you understand their perspective.
- Ask open-ended questions: Encourage further discussion and exploration.
Fostering Trust Through Consistent Boundaries:
- Establish clear expectations: Clearly communicate your expectations regarding behaviour, curfew, screens, academic performance, etc.
- Be consistent: Enforce boundaries consistently to avoid confusion or frustration.
- Provide explanations: Explain the reasons behind your expectations to help your teenager understand.
- Be open to negotiation: Allow for reasonable negotiation and compromise when appropriate.
Demonstrating Trust Through Respect:
- Treat your teenager with respect: Avoid using disrespectful language or making hurtful comments.
- Listen without judgment: Create a safe space for your teenager to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. We understand that with hormones, and our own daily demands, this may be easier said than done. It’s good to at least give it a try.
- Acknowledge their feelings: Validate your teenager’s emotions, even if you don’t agree with their perspective.
- Respect their privacy: Give your teenager space to develop their own identity and privacy.
Nurturing Trust Through Shared Experiences:
- Spend quality time together: Engage in activities that you both enjoy, such as hobbies, sports, or outings. Again, understanding this can be tough with teens who want more time to themselves and peers. But it’s important to try.
- Create shared memories: Build positive experiences and memories that strengthen your bond. You might here ask the teen to come up with an idea. Be open to simple and even short things to do together. Not everything has to be a big deal.
- Support their interests: Show interest in your teenager’s hobbies and passions.
- Try to remember the 80:20 ratio where possible: This means try to make the majority of communication about non-task issues or requests. Otherwise they may begin to associate us parents with the idea of nagging. That can be tough when they are less talkative to begin with. Again, these are aspirational.
Overcoming Trust Issues:
If you’ve experienced a breach of trust in your relationship with your teenager, it’s important to address the issue directly and work towards rebuilding trust.
- Communicate openly: Discuss the situation calmly and honestly.
- Take responsibility and initiate repairs: If you’ve made mistakes, acknowledge them and apologize.
- Rebuild trust gradually: It may take time to rebuild trust after a breach. Be patient and consistent in your efforts.
- Seek professional help: If you’re struggling to rebuild trust on your own, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counsellor.
Remember, building and maintaining trust with your teenager is an ongoing process. By actively listening, setting consistent boundaries, demonstrating respect, and nurturing shared experiences, you can create a strong and supportive relationship that will benefit both of you. There are some great articles and podcasts out there to help as well as guidance from therapists. John Gottman, Emotionally Focused Family Therapy, and Terrence Real are relationship experts and frameworks I draw from for much of my work with families to help them hear each other, communicate more clearly and with more empathy.
